How do I tell my girlfriend I'm sterile?

Dear Reader, 

Sharing this difficult and personal experience takes a lot of courage. Many find reaching out to others to be an important way to cope with emotional pain. In fact, opening up to your girlfriend may be a coping strategy in itself. You may also consider connecting with others who share similar experiences with you through social organizations and online communities. Read on to learn more about how to approach your girlfriend for a conversation, alternative routes to parenthood, and strategies for coping with the reality of your fertility. 

What does becoming a parent mean to you? 

You mention wanting to father children more than anything, but you may also take this as an opportunity to reflect on what becoming a parent means to you. Some potential questions to reflect on include: 

• In what ways is becoming a parent important for you?  
• Do you think your urge to have children is about the experience of watching your partner carry your child? Or is it about raising that child after birth? 
• What role do you think having a child will play in your life and your relationship? 
• Does the biology of the child change your view of them as your own? 

You can think through these questions before talking to your girlfriend and use your answers to help guide your conversation with her.  

How might you tell your partner about your infertility? 

Speaking with a partner about infertility can be difficult, but planning ahead and actively engaging during the conversation may help ease the process. You may even find that your girlfriend is understanding and is able to support you in a way that no one else has.  

Some strategies for having the conversation could include: 

• Preparing for the conversation 
• While you may have already reflected on your own wants and needs in relation to children, consider reflecting on your intention and goals for the conversation. You may even consider the following reflection question: What concerns do you have about disclosing your infertility to your girlfriend? 
• Find a time and place that works for both of you to have this conversation. 
• If possible, practice the conversation with a trusted person beforehand. 
• Engaging in the conversation 
• Be clear and direct with your message. 
• Acknowledge difficult and uncomfortable feelings. 
• Actively listen to your partner and allow yourself a moment of silence before responding. 
• Pause when the conversation feels unproductive. Feel free to ask for a break or to try again later if you feel that things are getting out of hand. 
• Identify the next steps and how you’d both like to move forward. 

List adapted from Psychology Today 

What are alternative ways to become a parent? 

Depending on what parenting means to you and what it looks like, it’s worth noting that it’s still possible to be a parent. Other options include assisted reproductive technology, such as using donor sperm or donor embryo, or adoption. 

How can you cope with difficult feelings about infertility? 

You’re not alone in this struggle. Speaking with a mental health professional individually or with your girlfriend is another way to process your thoughts and feelings. In addition to coping on your own, you may consider joining communities and connecting with others who share your experiences. For example, there are social media communities as well as organizations like RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association that offer support groups. The support groups include ones that specifically focus on men experiencing infertility and others that provide an online support community.  

People facing similar concerns may use this as an opportunity to help support a friend or family member by babysitting on a regular basis. You could also choose to apply parenting values through alternative family structures, such as being involved in the live's of children already in your life.  

You’ve already taken a brave step in finding support by reaching out. Wishing you all the best going forward.